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Family Guy - episode 512
"I take thee, Quagmire"
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Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman
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All right, Peter, you made it to
the Bonus Round. Congratulations.
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- Thanks, Regis.
- Okay.
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The category is "Actor and Show. " So...
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we need five consonants and a vowel.
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Uh, okay. Um.
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"Z,"
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four,
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"Q,"
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another "Q,"
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uh...
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a third "Q"
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and a Batman symbol.
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Okay, no help there. Um...
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15 seconds if you want to
take a shot at it. Talk it out.
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Is it "Alex Karras in Webster"?
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I don't believe it.
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Oh, my God! I just took a
shot in the dark! Holy crap!
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Okay, you have $1,300.
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Why don't you go ahead and pick
out some prizes from our showcase?
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Okay, let's see.
Uh...
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Oh, boy, everything looks nice.
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All right, I'll take the ceramic
Dalmatian for $600
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and, uh...
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Boy, that TV looks nice.
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Give me the one free
week of maid service
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and, uh, I'll take the hat rack.
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Hey, how much for that fat guy in the
circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
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- That's you.
- Oh, oh, embarrassing.
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Okay, well, in that case, I'll take
the rest on a gift certificate.
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Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV.
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I can't believe you actually won.
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But I suppose it's not the strangest
thing I've seen on a game show.
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Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy.
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All right, players, the
answer once again is:
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"It was the first spacecraft
to land on the surface of Mars. "
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Adam, what was your response?
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"Kebert Xela. "
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Only saying his name backwards can send him
back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.
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All right, whip'em out, woman.
It's time for the afternoon meal.
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My goodness, Stewie.
I guess you're hungry.
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Honey, not so rough this time.
Mommy's very sore.
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And by the way, let's be clear.
I only like you as a friend.
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Hi, I'm Joan. I'm, uh,
your maid for the week.
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Me Peter.
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You maid.
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Um, I do speak English.
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You maid,
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clean for me, Peter.
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You clean Peter mess.
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Peter, stop it.
Welcome to our home, Joan.
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I'm Lois.
Won't you come in?
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Oh, boy, my own maid.
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This is going to kick more ass
than that magical ride I took.
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It's the great space coaster
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get on board on the
great space coaster
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We'll explore.
Come and ride a fantasy
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to a place where dreams
fly fast and free
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With new friends
and new things to see
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We'll spin you through the galaxy
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Well, we are officially lost.
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- On the great space coa...
- Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now!
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Unless the next words out
of your mouth are directions
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how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm
going to punch you right in the stomach.
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Joan, it's great to have you here.
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No one's cleaned my belly
button in a long time.
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Lois is afraid to go near there
and my fingers are too thick.
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What is this?
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A carton of Parliaments?
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I haven't smoked in ten years.
Hey, keep diggin.
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Oh, Coleco Vision.
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Yeah. This could be a fun afternoon.
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Mr. Griffin, this is
unbelievably humiliating.
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Hey, hey, Lois, wants me to go to
the store, and the car's low on gas.
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Oh, crap.
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This is truly a sight to behold.
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An awesome spectacle.
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Peter Griffin, a once-great champion
of the motor speedway
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now a study in moppishness.
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The hell I am!
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We now return to
Malcolm In The Middle.
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And I told you boys to pick up your clothes
and who left the wet towel on the bed?!
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I swear to God, sometimes I
feel like just going on strike!
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What would you all do
if went on strike, huh?!
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What would you do?!
I'm talking to you!
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You know what?! That's what I'm going
to do! I'm going to go on strike,
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and you can all try living without me!
What do you think about that, huh?!
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That's what I'm going to do! I'm going
to do that! I'm going to go on strike!
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Kids,
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we're free.
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We're finally free.
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Ow, damn, that hurts!
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What happened?
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I was breast-feeding Stewie and he bit me again.
I think he might have even broken the skin.
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I see. Um...
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maybe I should, uh, you know, uh,
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look at it. Uh...
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I- I have seen a lot of medical shows.
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You see, the areola is very tender here,
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and I think one of his new teeth may
have bitten down right on the duct.
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I'm sorry. What?
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I don't know what to do, Brian.
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Breast'feeding's just so painful
since Stewie's teeth are coming in.
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Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels
when he feeds his brothers.
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There you go. There you go.
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Eat up, Steven. You're the weakest.
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Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.
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Huh, I suppose it would
make my life easier.
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You know what? I'll give it a try.
Thanks, Brian.
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No problem.
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Uh...
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any, any other problems
you have, too, like,
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for example, around your underpants...
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that you want me to take a look at,
I could, I could take a look at that, too.
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Huh?
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Please pull down your underpants.
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All right, boys, it's my maid's last night,
so we got to make the most of it.
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I filled this watermelon with chocolate
pudding and M-80 firecrackers.
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Hey, Meg, will you hold this for Daddy?
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Okay, why?
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Uh, it's a present.
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It's a "Thanks for being
such a sweetie" watermelon.
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- So you'll hang on to that?
- Yeah, sure.
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This is weird.
Am I supposed to eat this?
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I hate you! I hate you!
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Oh, maid?
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Oh, my God!
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Everybody, this is Joan.
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- Hi.
- Hello.
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Uh, uh, hey, there. I mean, it's
nice to pleasure your acquaintance.
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I mean, uh,
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would you like to go out
to dinner tomorrow night?
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- I'd love to.
- God, he works fast.
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Hey, Quagmire, is that a
banana in your pocket?
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Or a ****** in your pocket?
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- Do you want to say 9:00?
- Sure.
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See you then.
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Oh, my God.
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I'm in love.
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Time for dinner, sweetie.
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Very well, then, take off your shirt.
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No, honey, no, no. Tonight we're
going to have formula instead.
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That's more disgusting than when Peter
went through that Daisy Duke's phase.
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So who's up for some
hoops at the park, huh?
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Oh, there you are.
Come here, you basketball.
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It's like a walrus flossing.
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Now I know it's different than you're
used to, but you'll see. It's just as good.
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Yes, that's what we were promised about
Jim Belushi some 25 laugh-free years ago.
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Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn.
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Well, this is our three-week anniversary,
Joan. I wanted this date to be special.
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You know this place is unique because if
you're lucky, some nights around sunset,
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the screaming black dolphins come out.
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Oh, wow, really?
I've heard they're just beautiful.
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- What's going on, man?
- Oh, what's going on yo'self?
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- I almost drowned yesterday.
- Oh, man, it's wet out here!
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- Oh, look at them.
- They're magical, aren't they?
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Listen, Joan...
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I have something very
important to ask you.
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- Hey, Jay.
- Mm-hmm?
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I'm going to see how
long I can hold my breath.
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- I see you breathing out yo hole.
- What is it, Glenn?
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Joan... I've decided I want
to spend my life with you.
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Will you marry me?
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Of course, I will!
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Nothing would make me happier
than to be Mrs. Quagmire.
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Hey, man, I see you got
some seaweed on your tail.
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Where? Wha..?
You know I'm just playing with ya.
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Man, you all... Oh! I thought you were
talking about the other seaweed.
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You know I got jokes!
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I'm going to slap you with my fin.
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Man, I never would have
thought Quagmire'd get married.
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No, no, I know Quagmire and I'm telling
you, this has got to be some kind of prank.
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You know, like that prank
I pulled on Ashton Kutcher.
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Ashton, come here.
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You've just been tomahawked.
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That's my show.
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Tomahawked.
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- So, how's the weaning going?
- Oh, it's horrible.
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Giving up breast milk is the
hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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I'll bet the Founding Fathers had an
easier time writing the Bill of Rights.
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All right, we're done.
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You think the language in the
Second Amendment is clear enough?
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You know, about the right to bear arms?
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Of course it's clear. Every American
has the right to hang a pair of bear arms
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on their wall. How could
that possibly be misconstrued?
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All right. Fantastic, then.
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Wait. You know what?
Before we send this to the printer,
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let's take that abortion thing out.
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Boy, I never thought we'd be going to
Quagmire's for an engagement party.
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I'm telling you guys, he's putting
us on. He's the same old Quagmire.
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Hey, there, neighbors-are you lost?
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I'm just joshing. Of course we're
expecting you. Come on in, friends.
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You all just take your shoes off, there.
Joan and I kind of do the Japanese thing.
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Uh-oh.
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Foot odor.
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I have to go. I have, uh...
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terrible foot odor.
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Glenn, your place looks wonderful.
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I feel like I can touch
things in here now.
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We brought you guys a bottle of wine.
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- Ooh! Montrachet!
- I like our friends.
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00:11:21,018 --> 00:11:24,323
So, Joan and I just love
Without a Trace, don't we, honey?
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- Yeah, it's all right.
- We think it's all right.
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What are you talking about?
You hate CBS.
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Ooh, hate is a word
we don't use in this house.
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Joan and I always say, if you don't have
anything nice to say about someone
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don't say anything at all.
We say that, right, honey?
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00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:37,872
- Sometimes.
- Sometimes we say that.
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Hey, Quagmire. Check out this
month's Hustler, huh?
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00:11:42,545 --> 00:11:43,492
Quagmire?
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00:11:43,507 --> 00:11:44,693
Now, this is neat.
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These people have put an old-fashioned Colonial
spinning wheel in the center of their living room.
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As furniture.
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00:11:51,276 --> 00:11:53,482
Oh, that's what I want in my house.
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All right, Quagmire,
time for your lap dance.
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00:11:59,848 --> 00:12:02,570
No, guys, I can't do that.
It's degrading to women.
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Come on, Quagmire, it's got to be you.
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I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor,
and Joe's dead from the waist down.
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Why do you bring me here?!
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Ah! Brian, my breasts are so sore,
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and they've gotten so engorged from
the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
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00:12:21,498 --> 00:12:23,890
Well... what did you
do with the old bras?
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Okay, got to time this just right.
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One, two, three...
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Help! Somebody get this baby off me!
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Stewie!
I'm so sorry.
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By the way, you call those
cheap implants boobs?
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Those aren't boobs, they're lies!
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I can't believe it.
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Quagmire's gone all
sissy-man Alan Alda on us.
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Well, what can we do about it?
The wedding's tomorrow.
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00:12:52,655 --> 00:12:54,411
There's only one thing to do.
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We gotta break it up.
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Gosh, Peter, thanks so
much for being my best man.
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No, it's my pleasure.
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00:13:02,797 --> 00:13:05,153
In fact, I got a wedding
surprise for you.
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00:13:05,205 --> 00:13:06,992
All right, back it up, guys.
239
00:13:07,256 --> 00:13:11,133
I know you've got a foot fetish so I
got you this Statue of Liberty's foot.
240
00:13:11,195 --> 00:13:14,373
Oh, thanks, Peter, but Joan's
all the foot I need now.
241
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:15,213
What?
242
00:13:15,266 --> 00:13:18,181
But, Quagmire, that's the real
foot from the Statue of...
243
00:13:18,218 --> 00:13:19,661
- No, no, I'm okay.
- Hey.
244
00:13:19,708 --> 00:13:22,401
Hey. Do you have any idea
what I went through to get this?
245
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,330
A lot.
246
00:13:23,406 --> 00:13:24,450
A real lot.
247
00:13:24,497 --> 00:13:27,542
You think this is just: "Oh, here comes
Peter with the Statue of Liberty's foot?"
248
00:13:27,587 --> 00:13:30,152
"Oh, isn't that a gas?"
No, no. The reality,
249
00:13:30,187 --> 00:13:33,322
the real reality of getting
this together was staggering.
250
00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:34,232
You know?
251
00:13:34,257 --> 00:13:38,900
This cost me $437,000.
Don't ask me how I got it.
252
00:13:38,977 --> 00:13:42,171
I had to call in a whole bunch of favors
from people I've never even met.
253
00:13:42,276 --> 00:13:45,493
So the very least you can do is just
rub up against... I don't know.
254
00:13:45,527 --> 00:13:48,063
- Well, if you want I can...
- No, no, no. No. No. It's fine. No.
255
00:13:48,086 --> 00:13:49,901
Whatever. Just go to
your wedding, man.
256
00:13:51,326 --> 00:13:53,580
No. No, no, no.
Take... just get it out of here.
257
00:13:57,867 --> 00:14:00,730
Peter, what's the matter?
This is a happy occasion.
258
00:14:00,767 --> 00:14:02,541
No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible.
259
00:14:02,595 --> 00:14:04,891
You don't know what happens
to a man when he gets married.
260
00:14:04,967 --> 00:14:07,822
It's like a disease that rots
you from the inside out.
261
00:14:07,855 --> 00:14:09,373
I know, Peter, but...
262
00:14:09,406 --> 00:14:10,560
Oh! Damn it.
263
00:14:10,596 --> 00:14:13,570
I can't believe how much
my breasts have swollen.
264
00:14:19,805 --> 00:14:21,892
Look out.
Champagne.
265
00:14:21,937 --> 00:14:22,962
Peter, stop.
266
00:14:25,405 --> 00:14:27,052
Oh, Lois, you're all wet.
267
00:14:27,078 --> 00:14:28,571
Here, let me jiggle you dry.
268
00:14:32,325 --> 00:14:33,863
Giggety-giggety. God!
269
00:14:33,886 --> 00:14:35,532
I've made a terrible mistake!
270
00:14:40,617 --> 00:14:43,580
Oh, my God! You blew it up!
271
00:14:43,905 --> 00:14:46,230
You really did it.
272
00:14:46,316 --> 00:14:49,240
Damn you all to hell!
273
00:14:55,597 --> 00:14:57,472
Oh, God, I gotta get
out of this marriage.
274
00:14:57,505 --> 00:15:00,641
- Cleveland, how did you get out of yours?
- You slept with my wife.
275
00:15:00,688 --> 00:15:03,821
It's easy, Quagmire.
Just tell her to hit the bricks.
276
00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:05,802
Yeah, you've gotten out
of commitments before.
277
00:15:05,886 --> 00:15:07,653
Wow, that was great.
278
00:15:07,715 --> 00:15:09,263
Sure was. See ya.
279
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,091
But you said we were
gonna get married.
280
00:15:11,136 --> 00:15:13,622
No, I only said that so you'd
giggoogety my gashmoigin.
281
00:15:20,646 --> 00:15:21,803
So, anyway,
282
00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:23,520
what I'm trying to tell you is, uh...
283
00:15:23,738 --> 00:15:26,080
some of the guys thought
we should get a divorce.
284
00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:27,400
What?!
285
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:31,061
B- b-b-b-but I, I told them they didn't
know what they were talking about.
286
00:15:31,136 --> 00:15:32,381
Good. Good.
287
00:15:32,416 --> 00:15:35,303
'Cause if you ever left me,
I'd have to cut myself.
288
00:15:35,357 --> 00:15:37,853
and then... I'd cut you.
289
00:15:38,417 --> 00:15:40,200
I love you, Glenn.
290
00:15:40,245 --> 00:15:43,281
I love you, too, insane woman
I'm having second thoughts about.
291
00:15:43,326 --> 00:15:44,693
- What?!
- All right.
292
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,293
Yeah, sleep away, woman.
293
00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:55,932
But I'm here to claim
what's rightfully mine.
294
00:15:56,315 --> 00:15:57,941
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
295
00:15:57,977 --> 00:15:59,912
Oh, that's the stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
296
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,642
Dear God, I've got to
get a hold of myself.
297
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:08,642
Look at me, sucking pilfered
milk off a dirty carpet.
298
00:16:08,777 --> 00:16:11,603
I'm as pathetic as the fat
man when he tries to read.
299
00:16:12,286 --> 00:16:14,592
- Hey, Lois, what's this word?
- Evel.
300
00:16:14,627 --> 00:16:15,952
- And this one?
- Knievel.
301
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,100
- And this one.
- Was.
302
00:16:17,127 --> 00:16:18,302
- And this one.
- Born.
303
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,420
- And this one.
- In.
304
00:16:19,458 --> 00:16:21,000
- And this one.
- Montana.
305
00:16:21,996 --> 00:16:25,243
Oh, hey, Lois. Did you know that
Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
306
00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:30,170
You didn't tell her?
307
00:16:30,196 --> 00:16:32,030
Look, I told you,
she was gonna kill herself.
308
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,921
- What was I supposed to do?
- Let her.
309
00:16:35,196 --> 00:16:36,590
No, that's not funny.
310
00:16:36,626 --> 00:16:39,752
Wait a second. We know she's
gonna be upset if you dump her,
311
00:16:39,778 --> 00:16:42,152
but if something happened
that was out of your control...
312
00:16:42,188 --> 00:16:45,260
- What do you mean?
- I mean, we're gonna fake your death.
313
00:16:49,096 --> 00:16:50,733
All right, fellas, I think we did it.
314
00:16:50,766 --> 00:16:55,860
This may be the most absolutely perfect
fake death in the history of fake deaths.
315
00:16:57,777 --> 00:17:00,033
- What do you guys want?
- Joan. Um...
316
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:02,682
You mind if we come in?
There's, um...
317
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,433
there's been an accident.
318
00:17:04,887 --> 00:17:07,493
This is, uh, not going to be easy,
319
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,790
but, um, it's something you should see.
320
00:17:11,676 --> 00:17:14,280
So, anyway, here's Quagmire
walking through the park
321
00:17:14,327 --> 00:17:18,073
minding his own business. I just happened
to be there with my video camera,
322
00:17:18,107 --> 00:17:20,071
when a ninja shows up!
323
00:17:21,045 --> 00:17:23,300
And then a Nazi came!
324
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:27,122
And then an evil pots-and-pans robot.
325
00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:28,500
Destroy.
326
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,170
Destroy.
327
00:17:30,688 --> 00:17:33,382
I imagine you're probably wondering
what happened to the body.
328
00:17:33,437 --> 00:17:34,820
Well, we thought of that.
329
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:37,870
Oh, no, Quagmire's dead.
330
00:17:37,925 --> 00:17:40,012
Wait. We might still be able to save...
331
00:17:40,047 --> 00:17:41,393
Oh, no!
332
00:17:52,888 --> 00:17:56,160
We are so, so sorry for your loss.
333
00:17:56,197 --> 00:17:57,392
Is this a joke?
334
00:17:57,427 --> 00:18:00,130
I wish it were, Joan.
I wish it were a joke.
335
00:18:00,306 --> 00:18:02,451
But these things happen, you know?
336
00:18:02,506 --> 00:18:06,190
You go for a walk in the park one
day and wheel chair ninjas and Nazis
337
00:18:06,228 --> 00:18:09,803
and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill
you and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains.
338
00:18:09,828 --> 00:18:12,531
- You've seen the news.
- You're not fooling anyone.
339
00:18:12,585 --> 00:18:14,152
All right, fellows, Plan B.
340
00:18:14,185 --> 00:18:15,340
Plan B, Quagmire.
341
00:18:15,386 --> 00:18:16,751
Hi, honey, I'm home!
342
00:18:17,637 --> 00:18:18,830
Heart attack.
343
00:18:20,855 --> 00:18:22,942
Glenn! Sweetheart!
344
00:18:22,987 --> 00:18:25,433
- Is he all right?
- No, he's dead.
345
00:18:25,498 --> 00:18:27,742
- I can tell. I'm a cop.
- Oh, my God.
346
00:18:27,788 --> 00:18:29,082
Are you sure?
347
00:18:29,118 --> 00:18:32,341
You know what'll prove it? When
people die, they void their bowels.
348
00:18:33,277 --> 00:18:36,812
I said, when people die,
they void their bowels.
349
00:18:40,225 --> 00:18:42,023
What a jackass.
350
00:18:45,418 --> 00:18:47,740
- Well, you look a lot better.
- I did it, Brian.
351
00:18:47,777 --> 00:18:50,931
Through sheer force of will,
I kicked my addiction to breast milk.
352
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:53,760
I just had to find a way to
make breasts seem repulsive.
353
00:18:53,797 --> 00:18:56,370
- Yeah? How'd you do that?
- I watched In the Cut.
354
00:18:56,476 --> 00:18:58,243
Meg Ryan, topless.
355
00:18:58,316 --> 00:18:59,992
No thanks. No thanks.
356
00:19:00,247 --> 00:19:03,303
Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you.
357
00:19:03,328 --> 00:19:04,292
What are you doing?
358
00:19:04,338 --> 00:19:06,702
Well, Brian, I thought
I was ready to wean him,
359
00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:08,811
but I just miss the bonding.
360
00:19:09,468 --> 00:19:12,531
No. No! No, put me down!
I beg of you!
361
00:19:12,555 --> 00:19:15,123
I just kicked the stuff.
Damn you!
362
00:19:15,598 --> 00:19:17,123
You sick, twisted...
363
00:19:17,705 --> 00:19:18,843
I hate you.
364
00:19:19,296 --> 00:19:20,470
I love it.
365
00:19:20,928 --> 00:19:22,392
I will kill you!
366
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,451
You sure Quagmire's okay in there?
367
00:19:31,497 --> 00:19:33,831
No problem. He's got
half an hour of oxygen.
368
00:19:33,887 --> 00:19:35,603
We'll sneak back
later and dig him up.
369
00:19:38,007 --> 00:19:41,453
Sorry I'm late. I had a meeting
over at NBC about Joey.
370
00:19:41,496 --> 00:19:44,380
Death? What are you doing here?
Nobody's dying today.
371
00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:46,111
Not according to my paperwork.
372
00:19:46,158 --> 00:19:48,840
Says here your buddy Quagmire
died of a heart attack.
373
00:19:48,886 --> 00:19:51,963
I gotta tell you, I always thought
it'd be rectal trauma.
374
00:19:54,968 --> 00:19:56,722
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you doing?
375
00:19:56,745 --> 00:19:58,643
Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies,
376
00:19:58,688 --> 00:20:01,700
so the city says all caskets
must been cased in concrete.
377
00:20:01,746 --> 00:20:04,471
You'll thank me when
no one eats our brains.
378
00:20:04,818 --> 00:20:06,073
You'll thank me.
379
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,793
Hold it! Stop the funeral!
Quagmire's not really dead.
380
00:20:11,685 --> 00:20:12,993
Zombie!
381
00:20:16,438 --> 00:20:18,972
Glenn! I thought I'd lost you!
382
00:20:19,016 --> 00:20:23,240
Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need
a body to take back with me, so...
383
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,591
No! You can't take him!
384
00:20:28,876 --> 00:20:30,660
Uh... You know, um...
385
00:20:30,705 --> 00:20:33,260
This is probably not cool.
Just throwing it out there.
386
00:20:33,597 --> 00:20:35,760
- She was suicidal.
- She was?
387
00:20:35,807 --> 00:20:37,800
- Yeah, absolutely.
- I have heard that, too.
388
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,723
- And her last name was Quagmire.
- Well, good enough for me.
389
00:20:40,755 --> 00:20:43,162
I gotta go. I got tickets
to Celine Dion.
390
00:20:43,215 --> 00:20:46,722
I'm not gonna kill her. I'm just
gonna watch her die on her own.
391
00:20:46,748 --> 00:20:48,531
Anyone? Anyone?
392
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,770
It's good to have you back, Quagmire.
393
00:20:51,797 --> 00:20:53,463
It's good to be back, Peter.
394
00:20:54,256 --> 00:20:55,243
Hey, Death?
395
00:20:55,325 --> 00:20:57,620
Can you leave that body here
for another five minutes?
396
00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:00,741
That's Quagmire.
397
00:21:05,355 --> 00:21:07,511
Synchronisation by Kemar
Transcript by Raceman